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Random Ramble: Depression, Triggers, Self Confidence and Life as I Know It


Today is one of those down days. The kind of days where you wallow in a pit of self-pity, blaming yourself for the wrongs in the world and wondering why on earth you bother. The kind of day where everything is a HUGE effort. Do you get those as well?

I’ve been thinking about starting random posts about the things that gone on in my head and my life for a while now but I didn’t want to frighten anyone off when they realise just how cray-cray I really am ;) But what the hey – it’s one of those days so why not :)

I went through a period of severe depression when my mother passed away a few years ago. Luckily I had a really good doctor who was training in counselling at the time, she helped a lot. Counselling, for me, made me become more self-aware. It made me realise the start of bad days, like today. It made me aware of the triggers leading up to the bad days. Plus it helped me see the things that just added additional stress that didn’t have to be there – for example, reading or watching the news used to send me into a spiral, hence I avoid it like the plague if I can. I know this probably makes me sound completely ignorant but it is what it is. Seeing the worlds atrocities laid out so bluntly  makes me feel worse, so why put myself through it. Obviously I get to know about things but generally during conversation where the interaction with other people makes it easier for me to cope. Weird I know :)

As you can see I may also go off on a tangent throughout these posts so bear with me :)

Back to the point: depression → counselling → self awareness → identifying triggers.

Which leads me nicely into todays downness (I know it’s not a real word but it works here). Yesterday was a trigger and its manifested itself today. Contributing factors – a phone call from the Ex – who by the way was drunk at the time (more on that in a minute) – dealing with the oldest daughters lack of self-esteem (more on that another time) and stupidly getting on a weighing scales for the first time in a year (more another time).

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Firstly: The Ex. Oh boy is he a trigger that I tend to avoid at all costs.

Background: alcoholic that took me far too long to leave due to lack of confidence and the misguided assumption that the love of a family was worth more than alcohol (WRONG). The time-frame of living with an alcoholic and the emotional tension that comes with it took its toll on the children that I am still trying to repair.

Following the last drunken incident at the beginning of February we haven’t seen him. Only hearing from him once when he feels guilty about not seeing the children. Who no longer want anything to do with him because of the numerous times they have given him chances and he’s only caused further distress.

Leading to the drunken phone message yesterday. I was driving when he called that’s why he had to leave a message. I’m still asking myself whether I would have answered the phone *shrugs* I still don’t know.

At the moment his father is in hospital, its one of those situations where they  aren’t sure on the correct treatment to use as everything seems to be counteracting the other. The phone call was to ask me to ask the children to visit his father. FINE, no problem there as I’d already been speaking to my MIL about it. I didn’t need him to ring and arrange it knowing full well that he’s take credit for he girls visiting. I replied by text stating that I’d arrange a visit via the MIL and that the girls weren’t interested in seeing him as he only upset them.

To which he called BS and accused me of poisoning them *sigh* I don’t need to he’s already done enough of that himself.

The previous we’d been to a family function for one of my SIL 50th. Unfortunately we thought he wasnt going to be there and the girls were excited to be spending time with family. He was there :( Which made it really awkward and uncomfortable for all of us. He didn’t initiate conversation with the girls just stared at them. The oldest hid behind her hair and plugged herself into her headphones because she felt so uncomfortable. Leading to her getting labelled as rude by everyone. The middle one, is so laid back she’s horizontal, just got on with her meal and socialized with the people around her. While the little one became glued to my hip. No interaction between them and their father took place at all.

It got to the end of the meal and the oldest felt so bad that she couldn’t cope anymore. Not even for dessert. She bolted to the car. I made our apologies and paid for our meal. The little one (she’s 9) then burst into tears as soon as we pulled out of the car park. We’ve been working on verbalizing her feelings in order to work through them. After a few minutes of very calm voice and asking her to use her words, she said her father had waved at her when she was leaving and he looked as if he was going to cry (he does that a lot btw – pure guilt trip). She said she waved back but then ran. She also said that she didn’t like seeing him as it always made her feel bad. Surely a 9-year-old should not feel responsible for the happiness of an adult.

Which brings us back to yesterdays phone call/texts – he said I’d deliberately stopped them coming to him at the meal (they were concerned they’d be sat by him) He also said when he waved that they looked at me for permission. Like hell they did, they looked at me to get them out of there. So he’s demanding to see them and blaming me for keeping them from him.

They’ve coped with him driving them home completely drunk and they’ve been terrified. They’ve coped with him ruining christmas 2 years in a row by getting drunk then causing arguments so he can leave. They’ve coped with him crying to them that he misses them and at the same time forgets their birthdays or lets them down on a promised day out (days out ALWAYS include a pub with him). They’ve coped with him constantly saying how ill he is and playing on their sympathises. He has even referenced suicide to them and alternated by building them up and then tearing them down.

Why doesn’t he understand that they don’t want to see him?

Do you think I’m keeping them from him?

What would you do?

How many chances do you think a person deserves, especially when you know that the circumstances haven’t altered (the drinking in this case)?

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So you see this is definitely a trigger to the down day today *sigh*